How to stop yelling at your kids, even on your hardest days
The moment it happens
Hit reply to this letter and tell me which line landed in your heart today.
Maybe you woke up tired.
Maybe someone spilled milk, someone else needed shoes tied, the dog was barking, the kids are fighting and you hadn’t even had coffee yet or the kids haven’t finished their meal even after an hour or even they keep shouting (this is for me especially in the car, I can’t take this one 😮💨)
Then it happens.
Your voice sharpens, rises, cracks
and there it is. You’re yelling.
It’s the exact kind of mom you promised you wouldn’t be.
And in the quiet after, the guilt rushes in.
Every time.
You’re not a bad mom, you’re a human mom
If no one told you this today:
Yelling doesn’t mean you’re a terrible mother.
It means you’re stretched.
Tired.
Probably holding too much on your own.
It means you’re human.
And humans snap sometimes.
Even the gentle ones.
Why we yell (it’s not just about them)
Most of us think we yell because our kids are too loud, too messy, too slow.
But truth?
It’s almost never about them.
It’s about the overwhelm stacked up inside you.
It’s about the stress hormones flooding your brain.
It’s about the past times you weren’t heard and now your body thinks raising your voice is the only way.
Your brain actually reacts to chaos as a threat.
Heart rate spikes. Muscles tighten.
Your mouth tries to take control.
What helped me soften (not perfectly, but enough)
Because I still raise my voice.
Just less.
And I repair faster.
Here’s what’s actually worked for me — beyond the typical “take deep breaths” advice:
1. The 3-second rule
When I feel the explosion coming, I whisper to myself:
“Pause. 3 seconds.”
I look at their faces.
3 seconds is usually enough to remember, I’m the adult.
They’re still learning.
And they’re safe. This isn’t an emergency.
2. Label it out loud
If I’m really struggling, I say it in the room:
“Mommy’s feeling really frustrated right now.”
It’s not about guilting them.
It’s about defusing my brain.
Naming the feeling out loud often cuts its power in half.
3. Rewind when needed
Even if I do snap?
I go back.
I kneel down, open my arms, and say:
“I’m sorry I yelled. I’m learning too.”
It’s the most powerful parenting tool I’ve ever found.
Not my patience, but my willingness to repair.
Words that keep me gentle on the hard days
Some tiny phrases I keep close:
💬 “It’s okay to start fresh right now.”
💬 “They’re little. I’m bigger. I can pause.”
💬 “I’m allowed to be learning too.”
I whisper these when my heart races.
Sometimes they work. Sometimes I still mess up.
But every time, they soften the next moment.
What if yelling has become your default?
If you’re reading this and thinking,
"I yell every day. Honestly, if I don’t yell, my kids just don’t move. They don’t listen. I hate it… but it’s the only way anything gets done."
I want you to hear this without shame:
You’re not alone.
A lot of us — me included — learned to survive on volume because it felt like the only way to be heard.
But here’s what slowly helped me shift:
✅ Lower the noise in the room first.
Turn off the TV or music. Make sure they’re actually hearing you. Kids tune out background chatter.
✅ Get eye-level.
I literally squat down, look them in the face, and put a gentle hand on their shoulder.
It’s harder for them to ignore than a voice shouting from across the room.
✅ Make fewer demands at once.
My ADHD brain loves to rapid-fire:
"Pick up your shoes, wash your hands, put your plate in the sink, then come here!"
Their little brains can’t process all that, so they freeze.
One ask at a time changed everything.
✅ Use natural consequences.
Not punishments — just reality.
"If your toys aren’t up, they might get stepped on and broken. It’s your choice."
✅ Be okay with things taking longer.
It’s the hardest. But slow obedience is still obedience. And it builds their confidence to respond without fear.
⚠️ No, it doesn’t always work.
Sometimes I still yell.
But more often, I catch it.
And every time I do, it rewires something, in them and in me.
Because your kids don’t need a mom who never yells.
They just need a mom who keeps trying new ways to love them better.
Because your kids don’t need a mom who never yells.
They just need a mom who keeps trying new ways to love them better. 🤍
Save this for later
Next time you feel the storm rising in your chest, come back here.
Read these words again.
Start fresh, right then.
⚠️ This post is designed for ADHD readers (or any mom who gets easily overstimulated).
Short sections. Gentle tone. No overwhelm.
So you can actually finish it and maybe come back when your brain needs a softer space again.
What are your most unhinged hacks for when your kids just won’t listen?
I want to hear the real stuff
No worries, no judgment. 🤍
Xoxo,
Mona
"Because your kids don’t need a mom who never yells.
They just need a mom who keeps trying new ways to love them better."
Love this!
Thank you for these gentle reminders and practical tips. I especially love the reminder that slow obedience is still obedience and is giving them confidence to respond without fear.